Question: What do you get when you mix vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia?

Answer: A Phillips' screwdriver.

The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first student was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "The other librarian we had could write..."

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.

Nothing happens.

He tries again. Still nothing.

He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens.

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits--yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

There once was a man from Pawtucket...

Who kept all his cash in a bucket...

His daughter, named Nan...

Ran off with a man...

And as for the bucket - Nantucket!