A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.
Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.
Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:
"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course. How much was the roast?"
"$7.98," said the butcher.
A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read, Legal Consultation Service: $150.
A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside: 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100!' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"