lawyer jokes

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a cat?
A: One is an arrogant creature that will claw you out of house and money, and the other is a cat.

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?”
“But why?” Asked the young guy.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.

Visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in bed, anxiously leafing through the Bible.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Looking for loopholes,” was the lawyer’s reply.

A very well dressed and dignified lawyer called a plumber to fix his flooded bathroom. When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of overalls and took off his cap with the words “Blue Collar Man” on the brim. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed lawyer smirked in a condescending way and said: "Interesting cap! And do you usually need a change of OVERALLS?"

The plumber just smiled. When he was done the plumber gave him the bill, and told him he had to get some more equipment from his truck. He explained that he needed a new assistant because of all the work and was short-handed. He asked the lawyer if he knew of any friends who might want the job.

The lawyer raised his eyebrows and pointed at his suit, his shoes and his office: "Now, do I LOOK like someone who would have a plumber for a friend?"

"You're right. A high class white-collar guy like you would never know plumbers." said the plumber apologetically.

"Exactly! After all, I have high standards!" sneered the upper-crust lawyer, as he checked his shoes to make sure the shine was still perfect and carefully tightened the knot of his tie.

When the plumber returned, he entered the lawyer's office and there in the garbage can were the lawyer's brand new mirror-polished $700 Brooks Brothers capote business shoes, with the black silk socks rolled up and tucked neatly inside.

On the floor was the hand-tailored $2,000 Armani pinstriped business suit the lawyer had been wearing, with attached paisley suspenders, as well as the natty Hermes silk tie and the matching pocket square, monogrammed gold cufflinks, starched white shirt, silver tiepin and Rolex. His law degree and briefcase were also piled up next to them.

The plumber went in and the first there was the lawyer in overalls, lying under the sink with his bare feet sticking out. The plumber tapped on the soles of the lawyer's feet. The lawyer looked out, with the “Blue Collar Man” cap on top of his hundred-dollar haircut and sweat streaming down his face. He pointed at the bill and said, "You found your assistant".