elderly jokes

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Management of the Retirement Village having an open day could not work out why visitors were stopping near the front gate and then driving away. None stopped to visit. Finally the General Manager went to investigate and found the gardener had left a sign beside the gate which said "FOR SALE -OLD SLEEPERS".

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the sixty-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the seventy-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the eighty-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty-year-old.

"No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6 AM. I usually pee like a racehorse - no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the seventy-year-old.

"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the sixty-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?"

To which the eighty-year-old replied, "I don't wake up until ten."

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them."