elderly jokes

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically in good condition for their age, but if they are having trouble remembering they might want to start writing things down to help them. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" his wife asks.

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks, recalling the doctor's suggestion.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down. Just don't start with that! Leave me alone!! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles on into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 75 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 75 year old mother says, "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

"When the baby cries."

"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."

There's nothing the matter with me, I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees, And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out, And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
And arch supports I need for my feet, Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.

Sleep is denied me night after night, But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin. But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Old age is golden I've heard it said, But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.

With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself, Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
The reason I know my youth has been spent, Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!

But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin, Of all the places my get-up has been.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits, Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead, So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds, Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say, "I'm fine" with a grin, Than to let people know the shape we are in.

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa, caught off-guard, looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why not?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies, "Well Johnny, because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."