An elderly couple were sitting outdoors at a cafe when they noticed an old man who seemed to be having trouble crossing the street with an ungainly shuffle. The man said to his wife, "He surely has bad arthritis to walk like that."
His wife replied, "No, that's definitely old time rheumatism."
They couldn't agree so the man decided to ask the old man. He walked over to him and said, "Excuse me, sir, but my wife and I saw you having difficulty crossing the street and I told her that you have arthritis but she insisted that you have rheumatism. Which one of us was wrong?"
The old man said, "The three of us were wrong."
"Three of us were wrong? How so?" asked the man.
To which the old man replied, "You were wrong when you said I had arthritis, your wife was wrong when she said I had rheumatism, and I was wrong when I thought I just had to pass gas."
A security patrol officer in a senior gated community stopped an elderly gentleman in a speeding golf cart. "Sir, do you know your wife fell out of your golf cart when you hit that last speed bump?"
"Oh, that is wonderful officer", replied. "I am so relieved."
"Didn't you hear me? Your wife fell out of the cart!" the officer said in astonishment.
"You don't understand, I could not hear a thing for the last ten minutes... I thought I had gone deaf."
'Old' is when...
...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
...a pretty lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
A retired couple are discussing all aspects of their future. The man asked the woman, "What will you do if die?"
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then she inquired, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."