An older couple were making their funeral arrangements. The cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. "You will have a beautiful view of the swan pond," he assured them.
The husband didn't buy it, he replied, "Unless you will be including a periscope with my casket, I do not think I will enjoy it."
Grandma left the stove on and the pan was burnt. I asked her if she had a timer she can use, as to not forget in the future
"NO! Don't you dare go there! I don't have that," she said, shaking her fist at me.
"No, no, Grandma, I said 'A timer'!"