elderly jokes

My brother remembers the day when a police car pulled up to grandma's house and grandpa got out. The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park.
''Why, Bill,'' said Grandma, ''You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?''
Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, ''Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.''

Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren, all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''War'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.

His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as one of the boys pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!"

Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Shhh, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you."

As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

The old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, "Sir, would you address this postcard for me?" The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old man thought a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting."