Category: Animal Jokes

This little boy was walking to school when he found a frog. He picked the frog up and went to school. When he got to school, he sat the frog up on his desk and his teacher freaked out. "What is that?????” she asked him. "It's a deaf frog, Ma'am", answered the little boy. "What, what, what??? How do you know it is a deaf frog???” screamed the teacher. "I pissed in his ear and he didn't move", said the boy truthfully. "What, what, what, what do you mean you pissed in his ear and he didn't move????” she asked in an outrage. "Just like I said, I leaned over, I went PSSSSTTTT, in his ear and he didn't move!"

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double-take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. 
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. 
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. 
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oops! 
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. 
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor. 
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. 
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. 
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.) 
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman. 
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon. 
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done. 
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). 
18. Take two aspirins and lie down. 
19. Forget aspirin, drink glass of wine and lie down. 

Did you hear about the two explorers, Bob and John who were going through the jungle when a ferocious lion jumped out in front of them?
Bob whispered to John to keep calm. Bob asked John if he remembered what they had read in the book on wild animals. “If you stand absolutely still and look the lion straight in the eye, he will turn tails and run away,” said Bob. John said, “Fine. You’ve read the book, I’ve read the book, but has the lion read the book?”