After many years of marriage, a husband turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Gooney bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Gooney bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Gooney bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Gooney bird! The shelf!"
Again the Gooney bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Gooney bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Gooney Bird, my foot!"
A man had just got his car stuck in a during a drive in the country and he needed help getting it out. So he walked until he found a farm and asked the farmer for help. The farmer agrees to help the guy out. So he takes a horse out of the stable and leads him to the car. The farmer then ties a harness around the horse and the other end to the car.
The farmer yells, "Pull, Sandy!"
The horse just stands there.
The farmer yells, "Come on now, pull Twister!"
The horse once again just stands there.
Finally the farmer yells, "Ok dangit, PULL RANGER! You're just standing there!"
Finally the horse springs forward and with all the strength he has he pulls the car out of the ditch and onto the roadside.
The man thanks the farmer many times, but before leaving the farmer why he yelled out names of horses that weren't there.
The farmer just smiles and replies, "Oh, you see Ranger there is completely blind and a lazy horse. He wasn't going to pull if he thought he was the only one trying."