Fred was going out to lunch one day when he passed by a pet shop with a sign in the window reading, "Puppies for sale, only $10 dollars."
Unable to resist such a good deal, Fred went inside and bought one. As Fred arrived home a few moments later, his wife Louise came to greet him. "How was your lunch, dear?"
"Actually, I didn't buy lunch today." Fred replied.
Louise looks at him quizzically. "You didn't?"
"No," Fred replied. "You see, I passed by a pet shop with a great deal on puppies and ended up spending my money on Elvis?"
"Yes," Fred replied. "I ate nothin', bought a hound dog."
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a talking bird. The owner takes him to a parrot and says, "This parrot is guaranteed to speak after a little training."
The man seems skeptical but buys the bird.
The next day, he calls the pet store and says, "I spent three hours trying to get this parrot to speak, but I can't get a single word out of it."
The owner says, "Don't worry, sometimes their beaks are a little too long. Just file a little bit off of the tip. Just don't file too much or you could kill him."
The next day the man brings the parrot back to the pet store -- dead at the bottom of the cage. The owner sees that and says, "I told you not to file too much of his beak!"
And the mans says, "I didn't get a chance to file anything. He died right after I put him in the vise!"
The old lady had a parrot who had never spoken a word in eight years. She had tried everything she could think of to teach him to speak, from reading books, magazines and newspapers to him, playing the radio and TV around him, and inviting friends over for a chat, but nothing ever seemed to change.
One day, the lady was working in her garden; the parrot's cage was right by a nearby window. Suddenly, lo and behold, the parrot yelled, "Look out!"
Unfortunately, the lady didn't hear him and was immediately chased away by a swarm of angry bees. The parrot tsks and shakes his head indignantly. "Eight years she spends teaching me to talk and then I can't get her to listen."
A lion was stalking through the jungle one day when he came across a bull. The lion and the bull got into a tremendous battle, but in the end the lion killed the bull and ate him up. The lion was so pleased with himself that he threw back his head and roared and roared. The noise attracted a hunter who followed the sound until he found the lion. The hunter took aim and killed the lion with a single shot.
Moral: When you are full of bull, it’s wise to keep your mouth shut.