A man walks into a pet store and asks for a talking bird. The owner takes him to a parrot and says, "This parrot is guaranteed to speak after a little training."
The man seems skeptical but buys the bird.
The next day, he calls the pet store and says, "I spent three hours trying to get this parrot to speak, but I can't get a single word out of it."
The owner says, "Don't worry, sometimes their beaks are a little too long. Just file a little bit off of the tip. Just don't file too much or you could kill him."
The next day the man brings the parrot back to the pet store -- dead at the bottom of the cage. The owner sees that and says, "I told you not to file too much of his beak!"
And the mans says, "I didn't get a chance to file anything. He died right after I put him in the vise!"
A woman goes into an ice cream shop and asks for two quarts chocolate ice cream.
The counter man says, "I'm sorry, but we're out of chocolate."
So the woman says, "OK, give me a quart of vanilla and a quart of chocolate."
The counter man, a bit exasperated, said, "Ma'am, we're out of chocolate."
So the woman says, "OK, give me a quart of vanilla, a pint of strawberry, and a pint of chocolate."
The counter man, now furious, says, "Ma'am, how do you pronounce the V-A-N in 'vanilla'?"
The woman says, "Van."
The counter man says, "Good. And how do you pronounce the S-T-R-A-W in 'strawberry'?"
The woman says, "Straw."
And the man says, "Great. And how do you pronounce the F-R-E-A-K in 'chocolate'?"
The woman, puzzled, says, "There's no 'freak' in 'chocolate'."
And the man shouts, "That's what I'm saying -- there's no freakin' chocolate!"