Category: Animal Jokes



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Ranking: 3.35 / 20
QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road? Part I
Answers:
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
#39    
Thanks to: Rick Betuker
rec.:Apr/21/1998    pub.:Apr/21/1998    sent:Apr/21/1998


Ranking: 3.08 / 26
A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he's ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies 'that bird is $1000'. 'What?!?' cries the man, '$1000 for a bird? What does it do?’ 'Well, I'm glad you asked.' says the shop owner, 'you see, that bird can sing every female role in the ring cycle from memory.' The man thinks, ok but I can't afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is. 'That bird is $2000' replies the shop owner, and the man asks what this bird can do. 'Well, he can play any Paganini concerto you request on the violin from memory' the man thinks wow, but I really can't afford that bird. He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird croaking in the corner of the cage, and, thinking that this bird couldn't cost very much, enquires. 'Oh, that bird is $20000' he is told by the owner. Flabbergasted, the man asks what this bird does. 'Oh, we haven't found out yet' the owner replies, 'but the other two call him 'Maestro''
#22975    
Thanks to: madame opera - France
rec.:Jul/22/2012    pub.:May/28/2013    sent:Jul/25/2013


Ranking: 2.97 / 29
One day, snake, turtle and centipede are having a party. After two cases of beer are gone, they want to go get some more beers. So they discuss who's going to go get the beers. The turtle says, "I will go, you both just wait here." Two hours later, the turtle hasn't back yet, so the centipede says, “I will go.” So they open the door and see, turtle still walking out of the door. Because turtle walk too slow, the centipede says, “You both wait for me to come back, I got a lot of legs, I can walk fast.” So the snake and the turtle, wait for another two hours. Finally the snake is says, “What will take centipedes that long? So they open the door and check, wow, centipedes still at the front of the door, he is still putting on his shoes. Finally, snake said “let me go, I can walk fast, and no feet to put on shoes.” So snake went. After three hours, snake wasn't back yet. Both of them went to the store and see. And they saw snake stand there. And the snake says, " Don't give me that dirty look, only took me 5 minutes to the store, but I am still figuring out how to bring the beer back."
#718    
Thanks to: Victor - Saskatoon - Canada
rec.:Jul/18/2000    pub.:Jul/18/2000    sent:Jul/18/2000


Ranking: 2.38 / 65
“Doctor, doctor!” said the panic-stricken woman, “my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he’s swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?”
“Quite simple,” said the doctor calmly. “You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband’s mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite – haul it out.”
“Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I’ll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod’s head.”
“What do you want a cod’s head for?”
“Oh- I forgot to tell you. I’ve got to get the cat out first!”
#8875    
Thanks to: Anonymous - USA.
rec.:Apr/7/2003    pub.:Apr/7/2003


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