Category: Animal Jokes



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Ranking: 3.70 / 263
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.
In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."
#1760    
Thanks to: Chandra Clarke - Canada
rec.:Oct/20/2001    pub.:Dec/9/2001    sent:May/28/2013


Ranking: 3.12 / 738
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! 
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
#701    
Thanks to: Replay - USA.
rec.:Jun/23/2000    pub.:Jun/23/2000    sent:Feb/23/2014


Ranking: 3.39 / 393
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, 
"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine". 
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. 
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. 
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. 
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, 
"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?" 
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!" 
#715    
Thanks to: Simple Sentiments - USA.
rec.:Jul/12/2000    pub.:Jul/12/2000    sent:May/29/2014


Ranking: 3.19 / 565
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. 
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. 
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." 
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. 
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." 
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
#703    
Thanks to: Samantha
rec.:Jun/25/2000    pub.:Jun/25/2000    sent:Feb/27/2014


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