Category: Animal Jokes



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Ranking: 3.19 / 566
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. 
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. 
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." 
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. 
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." 
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
#703    
Thanks to: Samantha
rec.:Jun/25/2000    pub.:Jun/25/2000    sent:Feb/27/2014


Ranking: 3.42 / 309
QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answers:
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!
O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
#16    
Thanks to: Rick Betuker
rec.:Oct/10/1997    pub.:Oct/10/1997    sent:Jun/18/2011


Ranking: 3.76 / 143
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”
#626    
Thanks to: Neil - Des Moines - IA
rec.:Mar/29/2000    pub.:Mar/29/2000    sent:Aug/30/2012


Ranking: 3.66 / 132
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:
"'Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
#18    
Thanks to: Rick Betuker
rec.:Mar/16/1998    pub.:Mar/16/1998    sent:Nov/16/2012


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