Category: Bar & Drinking Jokes

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Ranking: 2.85 / 53
A man walks into a pub, and approaches the bar. He orders a pint and looks down to see a bowl of peanuts on the counter. He decides to eat one, when he picks it up and goes to put it in his mouth the peanut says "hello handsome"! So he puts the peanut down in astonishment.
He decides to try one more time. And yet again the peanut talks "ooh you are gorgeous". Well as you can imagine he was really stunned.
He then decides to go over to buy some cigarettes from the dispenser. He drops in a pound and the machine spits it out and tells him to "go away ugly"! This really shocked the man so he goes up to the barman and says" why is it, when I pick up the peanuts from the bar they are really nice to me, yet when I try to get some cigarettes from the machine it tells me I'm ugly"?
Thanks to: Anthony Sawyer - United Kingdom
rec.:Sep/7/2002    pub.:Dec/3/2002

Ranking: 2.76 / 55
Why do black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Thanks to: Anonymous - USA.
rec.:Oct/7/2003    pub.:Oct/7/2003    sent:Aug/30/2004

Ranking: 2.28 / 127
One day a string was walking down the street. He was really thirsty and decided to get a drink at a nearby bar. So he walks up to the bar tender and says, "I'd like a beer, please." The bartender looks at him like he's crazy and says, "I can't serve you, you're a string. Go on. Get out of here." So the string goes outside and thinks of a way to look more like a person. He knots himself toward the top and frays the string to look like a head with hair. He goes back inside and tries again. The bartender says suspiciously, "Hey, aren't you the string that was just in here a few minutes ago?" The string replies, "I'm afraid not!"
(I'm a frayed knot
Thanks to: Melissa in B'ville - GA - USA.
rec.:Jan/5/2003    pub.:Apr/16/2003

Ranking: 2.67 / 63
A man goes into a bar and orders double bourbon. He takes a sip of the drink and says to the bartender: "I shouldn’t be drinking this with what I’ve got." The bartender says: "What have you got".

The man replies: "30 cents".
Thanks to: Tony Rose - South Shields - United Kingdom
rec.:Nov/9/2001    pub.:Dec/8/2001

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