bar & drinking jokes

Category: "Bar & Drinking Jokes"
$50.00 won 10 votes

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. "Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as he or she fits in the cannon."

10 votes

Joke Won 1st Place won $50.00
posted by "Egbert" |
$25.00 won 10 votes

Mary's list for the throughout the ages...

What I Want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

10 votes

Joke Won 2nd Place won $25.00
posted by "maryjones" |
$10.00 won 5 votes

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. 

She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you, "You're going straight to hell!"
 
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Oh man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

5 votes

Joke Won 5th Place won $10.00
posted by "barber7796" |
3 votes

Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song "Yes, we have no bananas".

Guy 1: I love this song!

Guy 2: Yes. I think it's written by Mozart.

Guy 1: Of course it's not. They didn't make swing music in Mozart's time.

Guy 2: Yes they did!

Guy 1: You're stupid! They didn't even have bananas back then.

Guy 2: I know, that's the name of the song!

3 votes

posted by "mcdanijt" |