A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Let me guess, your only son?"
A gold-digger had died and all her worldly possessions, including a parrot, were being auctioned off.
"What am I offered for this beautiful bird?"
"One bean," bid a bystander.
"Two bucks," roared another.
"Make it five, Daddy," croaked the parrot, "and I'll give you a kiss."
A young man fell into a deep coma, but recovered before his friends had buried him. One of his friends ask him what it felt like to be dead.
"Dead? I wasn't dead and I knew it because I was hungry and my feet were cold."
"But, how did that make you so sure?"
"Well, I knew if I was in heaven I wouldn't be hungry, and if I were in the other place, my feet wouldn't be cold."