bar & drinking jokes

Category: "Bar & Drinking Jokes"
$25.00 won 10 votes

Mary's list for the throughout the ages...

What I Want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

10 votes

Joke Won 2nd Place won $25.00
posted by "maryjones" |
$10.00 won 5 votes

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. 

She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you, "You're going straight to hell!"
 
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Oh man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

5 votes

Joke Won 5th Place won $10.00
posted by "barber7796" |
3 votes

Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song "Yes, we have no bananas".

Guy 1: I love this song!

Guy 2: Yes. I think it's written by Mozart.

Guy 1: Of course it's not. They didn't make swing music in Mozart's time.

Guy 2: Yes they did!

Guy 1: You're stupid! They didn't even have bananas back then.

Guy 2: I know, that's the name of the song!

3 votes

posted by "mcdanijt" |
$15.00 won 8 votes

A climate scientist and a climate-change denier walk into a bar. The climate-change denier goes to the bartender and asks for the strongest drink in the house.

The bartender takes out a bottle and says, "This is Absinthe, about 75% alcohol. Can I sell you a glass?"

The climate-change denier gets all upset and leaves the bar in a huff. The climate scientist says to the bartender, "Those climate-change deniers! You can show them the proof but they still won't buy it!

8 votes

Joke Won 3rd Place won $15.00
posted by "maryjones" |