Congratulations to me!

I just made my last mortgage payment...

I still owe like $262,000, I'm just not going to pay them any more.

If you spell the words “Absolutely Nothing” backwards, you get Gnihton Yletulosba…

Which ironically means... absolutely nothing.

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from.

So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."

At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."

The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"

"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.

The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly."

The father says, "Oh, good. YOU send him the money!"

Murphy told Quinn that his wife is driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.