What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?

Opinions.

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

"We have your son," said the kidnapper.

"I don't have a son," says the woman.

"Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?"

"Oh God, you have my husband."