A man walked into a bar with a banana on his head. As he served him, the bartender said, "Look, I don't know if you realize this, but you've got a banana on your head."
"That's okay," said the man. "I always wear a banana on my head on Tuesdays."
"But today's Wednesday," said the bartender.
"It's not, is it?" groaned the man. "Oh no! I must look like a complete idiot!"
Two drunk friends called a private taxi. The taxi arrived and saw how drunk and noisy they were. The driver realized the trip would be difficult given their condition. He told them to get in and pretended to drive the stationed vehicle.
A few minutes later he told them they had arrived at their destination. The passengers got out and shouted at him saying, "Was it necessary to drive so fast?"
A regular customer walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight."
The man replies, "I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!"
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round. The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, two rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheck!"
With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they're gonna pay me too?"