bar & drinking jokes

A young man fell into a deep coma, but recovered before his friends had buried him. One of his friends ask him what it felt like to be dead.

"Dead? I wasn't dead and I knew it because I was hungry and my feet were cold."

"But, how did that make you so sure?"

"Well, I knew if I was in heaven I wouldn't be hungry, and if I were in the other place, my feet wouldn't be cold."

The speaker was genuinely enthusiastic about the virtues of temperance but his face made people doubt him.

Towards the close of his testimony he squared his shoulders, held his head tall, and said, "I have lived in this town all my life. in this town there are fifty-five public houses that sell liquor, and I am proud to say that I have never been in one of them!"

Then came a small voice from the back, "Which one is that?"

At the monthly meeting of the local group of struggling artists, two of them were discussing their respective prospects.

First artist: "I'm not doing too well. I painted a picture for a local lady but she didn't like it. She said it made her look just like a monkey."

Second artist: "I hope you were diplomatic about it?"

First artist: "Yes, I told her she should have thought about that before she had her picture painted."

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.