Two drunk friends called a private taxi. The taxi arrived and saw how drunk and noisy they were. The driver realized the trip would be difficult given their condition. He told them to get in and pretended to drive the stationed vehicle.
A few minutes later he told them they had arrived at their destination. The passengers got out and shouted at him saying, "Was it necessary to drive so fast?"
A regular customer walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight."
The man replies, "I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!"
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round. The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, two rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheck!"
With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they're gonna pay me too?"
Word got out in a old Western town that Black Bart escaped from Jail and was heading that way. The townsfolk gathered in the saloon to discuss what to do next since the sheriff was out of town.
"How will we recognize him? It's been so long since anyone actually saw him and lived to tell about it," said the town's barber.
"I heard he could eat bullets and kill you by just spitting," said the hotel owner.
All of a sudden, a kid runs into the saloon and yells, "Someone's coming and I think it's Black Bart!"
Sure enough a huge 6 ft tall rugged, tough-looking, bearded, black clothed cowboy with an eye patch and a long scar down the left side of his face and huge muscular arms and chest came walking through the saloon doors. Only sound you could hear was his spurs as he walked up to the bar. No one dared to move or utter a sound; too frightened to move.
He looked around at all the townsfolk, hiding behind tables and chairs holding their breath. He walked up to the bar and took out his gun and banged it on the counter. The bartender yelped.
He yelled to the bartender hiding behind the counter, "Git up and give me a whiskey!"
The bartender poured him a shot glass of whiskey. He took the glass, drank it down, then ate the shot glass. Two women fainted and the sound of teeth chattering could be heard behind the piano. The bartender nervously asked, "Would you like another glass sir?"
"Naw. I need to go. Hav'ta leave town," he said.
"You're leaving so soon?" the bartender asked, puzzled.
"Heck yeah! Didn't you hear? Black Bart's coming this way!"
Once, in a bar, one guy leaned over and said to the guy sitting next to him, "I slept with your mom last night."
The whole bar turned to see what would happen next. After a while, the guy laughs and says, "Let's go home, Dad, you are drunk."