A gold-digger had died and all her worldly possessions, including a parrot, were being auctioned off.
"What am I offered for this beautiful bird?"
"One bean," bid a bystander.
"Two bucks," roared another.
"Make it five, Daddy," croaked the parrot, "and I'll give you a kiss."
A young man fell into a deep coma, but recovered before his friends had buried him. One of his friends ask him what it felt like to be dead.
"Dead? I wasn't dead and I knew it because I was hungry and my feet were cold."
"But, how did that make you so sure?"
"Well, I knew if I was in heaven I wouldn't be hungry, and if I were in the other place, my feet wouldn't be cold."
The speaker was genuinely enthusiastic about the virtues of temperance but his face made people doubt him.
Towards the close of his testimony he squared his shoulders, held his head tall, and said, "I have lived in this town all my life. in this town there are fifty-five public houses that sell liquor, and I am proud to say that I have never been in one of them!"
Then came a small voice from the back, "Which one is that?"