bar & drinking jokes

Two men are drinking in a bar. The first man tries to strike up a conversation with the second, but the second man says, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you; I'm deaf." So the first man pulls out a pad of paper and a pencil, and they get a lively conversation going on paper. Soon a third man joins them, and all three are conversing on paper. By and by the deaf man leaves, and the two hearing men continue their conversation -- on paper.

A turtle was walking through the park when two snails attacked, punched, kicked, and stole his wallet. The police arrived and asked, “What happen to you, were you attacked, were you robbed?” The turtle on his back, bruised, with one eye shut, said "I don't know officer, it happen so Fast"

One man to his friend, what an automated society we live in.
Have you ever noticed that when a traffic light turns green, it automatically
activates the horn of the car behind you?”

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.
The bartender asks him why he gets three beers the man told the bartender well one is for me and the other two, for my brothers who live in Texas.
The man does this for about a week and one day the man walks in and orders two beers instead of three. The bartender asks him why just two the man said well my wife told me I had to quit drinking but she didn't say anything about my brothers to stop.