bar & drinking jokes

After a long day a sailor enters a bar, and noticed a pirate sitting at the bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. So the sailor walks over to the pirate and says, “May I ask how you lost your leg?"

The pirate replied, "Arrrrr one stormy night on me ship I fell overboard, and a shark swam up to me and bit off me leg."

The sailor says,"That's to bad, but how did you lose your hand?"

The pirate replied, "Arrrrr, one day at sea me and my crew were battling an enemy and we were using swords so one of those b**t**ds cut off me hand."

"How did you lose your eye?" asked the sailor.

"Well, one summer day I was looking at the clouds, and a seagull came and pooped in me eye," said the pirate.

"You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?“ said the sailor.

"No, you see it was the first day with the hook!“

Overheard at the track: “Horse racing is very romantic. The horse hugs the rail, the jockey puts his arms around the horse, and you kiss your money good-by.”

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”
“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

A guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Every one got a drink and thanked the man. After a while he man said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked the man. The bar tender pulled the man to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? The man said "No". The bar tender took the man in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. The man brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bartender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk