bar & drinking jokes

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

Drunks
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

String
A string walks into a pub and sits at the bar. the bartender looks at the string and says " we don't serve your kind here ". The string getting upset slams his hand on the bar and yells " GIM ME A BEER ". The bartender looks at the string and says " Hey ! We don't serve your kind here ". The string, really upset, slams his hand on the bar, spilling all the beers on the bar, yelling at the top of his string lungs " I SAID GIMME A BEER ". The bartender getting frustrated with the string throws him out of the pub. The upset string, leaving the pub passes a rope. The string turns to the rope and says " Hey, I'll give you five dollars to tie me into a knot and fray the ends ". The rope looks at the string and says " you will give me five dollars to tie you into a knot and fray the ends ". "ya ya " the string says, " I'll give you five dollars to tie me into a knot and fray the ends ". the rope taking the five dollars, ties the string into a knot and frays the ends. The string who is now tied into a knot with the ends frayed, walks back into the pub. The string slams his hand down on the bar and yells " GIMME A BEER ". the bartender looks at the string and says " We don't serve your kind here ". The string getting upset at the bartender, slams his hand on the bar, spilling all the beers on the bar, yelling at the top of his lungs " I SAID GIMME A BEER ". The bartender looks at the string and says " Hey, your that string I threw out of here ". the string yelling back at the top of his lungs " NO I'm a-frayed-knot

Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"