bar & drinking jokes

Two drunks were walking down the railroad tracks. After a couple of miles, one of them says, "Man, all these steps are killing me!" The other drunk replies, "It's not all these steps; it's these darned low handrails!"

Three men walked into the bar to see how much it would take to get them drunk. Man number one reached his limit and passed out at 6 drinks. The other two men laughed at him and stole his money and clothes and threw him in the alley thinking how funny it would be for him when he wakes up. The two men continued the battle, drink after drink they continued all night. Finally, the naked guy in the alley woke up 12 hours later. He was quite upset and streaked into the bar to try to find the whereabouts of his friends. They were still drinking and not giving up. The first man approached them about what they did to him and asked why they still continued to drink. They said they used up all his money and sold his clothes to continue the match and would not let the other do the same to him when he passed out, so they felt they had to keep going all night. All of a sudden, the first man yells, look out, it's your wives! They jumped out of their clothes from fright and passed out on the floor. The first man said to himself, "suckers! That was fake money in my pocket. But these credit cards sure look real."

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

A man in a bar is enjoying his drink when he hears a voice say, "You look great!" He looks around, but there is nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No, really, you look just terrific!" Again he looks around. Nobody.

A few minutes pass, and again he hears the voice, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you look absolutely stunning!" At this point the man realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the man calls to the bartender. "What's with these nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "they're complimentary."