bar & drinking jokes

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, heavy set bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big truck over three motorcycles."

One day a man walked into a bar with a peanut and a banjo. He set the banjo on the table and the banjo said, "Give me your strongest bottle of tequila."
"Wow, can I buy that banjo from you?" The bartender said.
"Well, sure, but it has to be around two thousand dollars."
The man sold the banjo and the man next to him said, "You, idiot, you could have gotten millions!"
"No I couldn't, it was actually my ventriloquist peanut that said that!"

A guy comes in to a bar and orders a double whiskey. He drinks it and looks in his pocket. Then he orders another one, drinks it and looks in his pocket again.
This is repeated a dozen times before the bartender asks him what he is doing.
He replies, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife. When she gets good looking, I quit drinking..."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry, "replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."