bar & drinking jokes

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." 
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" 
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." 
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple." 

All of a sudden this huge extra-extra strong mint walks into a pub, he sits down and starts boasting about how he's the strongest mint and how he could win any fight, then another mint walks in, the extra-extra strong mint dives under a table! Someone asks him "I thought you where the strongest mint around???" "I know!" he replies, "but he's menthol". 

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole.
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.
The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Three strings walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The first string walks up to the bartender and says, "Bartender, three beers please." The bartender looks at the string and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." Disappointed, the string walks back to his buddies and explains. The second string says "No problem, I'll go get our beers." The second string walks up to the bartender, "Bartender, three beers please." The bartender says, "Listen man, I told your buddy that we don't serve strings here." Empty handed, the second string walks back to his buddies. The third string says, "No problem. Tie me in a knot at one end and fray my ends at the other." He struts up to the bartender, "Bartender, three beers please." The bartender proceeds to get him the beer when he suspiciously turns to look at the string and says, "Excuse me, but are you a string?" The string replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"