bar & drinking jokes

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

A man was at the bar and asked for a shot and so the bartender gave him the drink the man drank it then looked in his pocket. Then the man asked for another so the bartender again gave it to him then after he took the drink the man looked in his pocket. The man asked for another drink and did the same thing. Then the bartender asked the man why he kept looking in his pocket, and the man said there is a picture of my wife in there and when she starts looking good that’s when I will go home.

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."