bar & drinking jokes

A businesswoman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her. “Hi, honey,” he says. “Want a little company?”
“Why?” asks the woman? “Do you have one to sell?

Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed
a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Gus the bartender sees a mushroom entering his bar. Gus says,” We don't serve mushrooms here. Try the one next door." But the Mushroom refuses,” You have the best beer. Besides I'm fungus." (I'm fun Gus)

One mighty fine morning a string walks into a bar. The bartender says,” We Don't want any strings." "I guess I will have to find a more understanding bartender." So the next day the same string walks into the same bar and says,” I want just one shot of Beer: original. "NOOOO!" The string gets kicked out and thinks up scheme so sinister it is worth a try. He comes back later used up of thinking, with frayed ends and a knot in his belly, made by himself. The bartender asked: "Aren't you that same string that came in here 2- days in a row?" "Nope, I'm a frayed knot." Says the string