bar & drinking jokes

Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Santa says, "Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?"
"You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk.
"Whatever, whatever you shay."
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
"Ahh," says Santa, "Now we can get some sleep at last."
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed. "Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says Banta.
"There's somebody in my bed too!" says Santa.
"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to sleep in the beds!" says Banta.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.
“ALL RIGHT!!" Santa shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed."
"You're lucky," says Banta, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired to fight any more."
"Well, never mind," says Santa, "Why don't you just come and share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here."

A bear walked into a bar, slapped a $50.00 bill on the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender looked at the $50 bill, then at the bear and said; "I'll be back in a minute." He went to his manager and stated what had just occurred. The manager told him to go back to the bar, give the bear a beer, $.50 change and strike up a conversation.
The bartender drew a beer, placed it on the bar, took the $50 bill, tossed fifty cents on the bar and said; "You know we don't get many bears in here". The bear looked at the 50 cents, then at the beer, then said to the bartender; "$49.50 for a beer I can see why!"

An entrepreneurial woman is sitting at a bar a man approaches her and says; hi honey! want a little company? Why? Asks the woman. Do you have one to sell??

At a small pub near to a GP's practice, Dr. Hall who ran the practice used to call into the pub after he'd shut the practice for the night and have an Almond sprinkled Jackory. One particular night, Bill the barman calls the landlord, "Mr. West, we're out of almond, and Dr. Hall's after his almond jackory, anything taste like almond what we could use instead?" Use hickory, the landlord said
Bill heads back to the bar, and speaks to Dr. Hill, We're out of almonds, but instead I could give you a "hickory jackory doc."