The new chairman, giving his acceptance speech at the annual meeting of a local society club indicated his concern...
"In most associations half the members do most of the work while the other half does nothing. Beginning today this will change. From this day forward this will be reversed!"
"Hello," exclaimed Jenkins, as he met his friend Jones. "You're looking a bit off color. Anything wrong?"
"I'm afraid there is," replied Jones, "I've had to give up drinking, smoking and gambling."
"Well, I must say that's all to your credit," commended Jenkins.
"Oh, no, it isn't," snapped Jones. "Its due to my lack of credit."
As the cruise ship was departing port, a well dressed passenger approached the Captain. Pointing to the distant hills she asked, "What is that white stuff?"
The Captain replied, "That is snow, madam."
"Well," remarked the lady, "I thought so. But a gentleman told me it was Greece."
Two drunks were babbling about when they were born as they leaned heavily against the bar.
"You know," said one, "when I was born I weighed a pound and a half, and that's a fact."
"You don't say," said the other. "And did you live?"
"Did I live?" exclaimed the first. "Heck man, you ought to see me now."