Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery, vomits, and falls down on the floor. Wife pulls him up and cleans everything. Next day when he gets up, he expects her to be really angry with him. He prays that they would not have a fight. He finds a note near the table:
“Honey... your favorite breakfast is ready on the table. I had to leave early to buy groceries. I’ll come running back to you soon my love. I love you.”
Still surprised, he asks his son, "What happened last night?"
Son replies, “When mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt, you were dead drunk and you said… 'HEY LADY! LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M MARRIED!'”
A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me asking, where did you go for those 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."