There's this man in the bar and he says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $500 that if you line up five empty beer mugs that I would be able to pee in all of them without any mess." The bartender accepts the bet. Next thing you know the bartender lined up five empty beer mugs. The man drops his drawers and starts to pee everywhere except in the five empty beer mugs. The bartender laughs as the guy pays him the $500.
A woman sees all of this happening and asks the guy, "How come you're not sad about losing $500?" The guy told her, "It is because I had bet the bouncer $2,000 that I would pee all over the bar and have the bartender laugh about it."
Shamus O'Connor had just closed down Patty Murphy's Pub and was ambulating his way slowly to the underground subway.
Suddenly he was confronted by a huge sign which read: "WARNING! Dogs must be carried on the escalator - Absolutely NO EXCEPTIONS!"
Shamus bemoaned: "Bejabbers, and, pray tell, just where is a bloke to be findin' a dog at this unholy hour?"
Three strings were standing outside of a bar, a bar that doesn't serve strings...
One string says to the other two strings: "I'm sure I can get served" and enters the bar, he walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a drink, the bartender looks up and asks: "Aren't you a string"? and the string replies: "yes". The bartender then says: "I'm sorry but we don't serve strings in this bar" ...so the string ducks his head and leaves the bar.
The other two strings waiting outside immediately asked what happened, the string tells them he didn't get served and wants to leave, the second string says: "I'm pretty certain I can get served, you just have to act cool", so he enters the bar, starts jamming to the music and dances up to the bar and says: "Bartender, give a cold brewsky"! The bartender looks up at him, sees he's a string and says: "sorry but we don't serve strings in this bar" ...so the string ducks his head and leaves the bar.
He tells the other two strings waiting outside that he couldn't get served and he too wants to go home... the third string who's certain he has what it takes to get served says: "You just have to act like you've been here before" and quickly goes inside...
The third string getting real loud as he works his way through the bar says: "hey Bob, hey Jill, good seeing you! Wow was the band ever rockin' last night, boy was I wasted!... Yo' bartender!!, give me the usual Jack-n-Coke!!!" The bartender looks up at him, sees he's a string and says: "Sorry pal but we don't serve strings in this bar" ...instantly the third string turns and ducks his head toward the door when he suddenly gets this bright idea, he quickly ties himself in a knot, messes up his hair, walks back up to bar and says: "Bartender give me that drink!" ...the bartender looks up at him and says: "Hey! Aren't you a string?" and the string says: "No!, I'm a frayed knot!"
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"