Two guys are at a bar, drunk and talking nonsense.
MAN 1: I am planning on buying the world.
MAN 2: That is crazy and makes no sense what-so-ever, you can't buy the world.
MAN 1: Why not?
MAN 2: Because, I am not going to sell it to you.
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers."
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
A quiet, little man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sits there sipping his beer and minding his own business. All of a sudden, a big guy walks up to him and knocks him out cold and says to the barkeep, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a right-hook from Big Mike Finnigan."
A week later the little man shows up at the same bar and orders a beer. He again, sits there sipping his beer and minding his own business. The same big guy walks up to him, and the little guy knocks him out cold.
As he leaves the bar, the little guy says to the barkeep, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."