A visitor comes into a Maryborough pub with a tame crocodile at his heels and ordered a drink. The locals looked at the crocodile and it suddenly went up to someone's hat, which was sitting on a chair, and chewed it to shreds.
The hat's owner shouted at the visitor, "Hey look at what your crocodile has done to my hat."
The visitor replied, "That's too bad!" The hat owner got angry and said, "I don't like your attitude!"
The visitor replied, "It's not my (h)at (h)e chewed - it's your hat he chewed!"
I called into my local pub to find O"Reily nursing a black eye, and looking very sorry for himself. "so what happened to yourself O'Reily?"
"well, today's Monday, yesterday was Sunday and I was in church. We stood to sing the hymns when I noticed that mrs. Magilicuddy who was stood in front of me, had her lovely sunday frock stuck in her cheeks, so I reached over and pulled it back out. well she swung around and belted me with her handbag!"
" Ah bad luck O'Reily, you being such a gentleman and all"
The very next week I called into the pub again to find O'Reily battered and bruised all over! " What happened to yourself O'Reily?"
"Well today's Monday, yesterday was Sunday And I was in church with Shamus, we stood to sing the hymns and mrs. Magilicuddy had her sunday frock all jammed up so Shamus pulled it out for her.Now I knew she doesnt like that so I quickly tucked it back in!
A man in a bar visited the men's room, leaving his drink on the bar. On his return he found that someone had drunk it.
The next time he left a notice beside his drink. “I spat in this”.
On his return he found written underneath.
So did I.