bar & drinking jokes

While traveling north to downtown I noticed police were stopping cars going south for sobriety checks.

At the end of the night, after one too many drinks, I headed home going south and took the bus which the police waved right through.

The next morning my neighbor called me and asked, "What is that BUS doing in your driveway?"

A man left the bar late one night after one too many drinks. He decided to walk home taking a shortcut through the grave yard. He fell into an open grave but failed to escape after many attempts.

What the man didn’t see was another guy from the bar who had previously fallen in and was curled up asleep at the other end of the grave. The guy woke up and said, “You’ll never make it out of here.”

Low and behold he made it out in one leap!

A penguin walks into a bar. He goes to the counter and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

Bartender replies, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

At the local machine shop, Jim was a long time employee who took a new kid under his wing. Ryan, the new hire, was 20 years younger than Jim. He appreciated Jim's help in teaching him the ins and outs of working in a machine shop. They became fast friends, and after a few days decided to hit the local pub together for lunch. They picked a table near the bar, and while they were waiting for their drinks, Ryan noticed an ornery looking guy at the end of the bar staring at him.

"Wonder what that guys problem is," Ryan said to Jim.

"His name is Vic. A mean son of a gun if you've ever seen one. He's about your age, and I've known him pretty much his whole life. Always looking for trouble."

Sensing that they were talking about him, Vic called over to Ryan, "You talking to me?"

Ryan said to Jim, "I think he's looking for a fight. What should I do?"

"Well," said Jim, "when I was your age, I was about your size. Twenty years ago I could've whooped him."

"If you say so!" Ryan gets up and walks toward Vic. As he approached him, Vic hauls off and bam! Vic Knocked Ryan out cold. As Vic was being escorted out of the bar by bouncers, Ryan was coming to at the table where Jim was applying a cold compress to his jaw.

"I thought you told me 20 years ago you could've whooped him," Ryan said.

"I sure could have," Bill replied. "But 20 years ago, Vic would have been 10!"