A married guy goes for his annual physical and to his shock & dismay the doctor tells him he has only 24 hours to live.
He goes home in shock and tells his wife, who makes him his favorite meal. They then go into the bedroom and make love. Around 10 o'clock he says lets do it again and she agrees. Around midnight as his wife is drifting off to sleep he nudges her and says how about one more time.
She rolls over and says, "Hey, some of us have to get up for work in the morning."
A man weaving up to a local bar orders a whiskey. The bartender Joe, noticing the condition of Tony, says, "I can't serve you Tony, you have had too much to drink."
Tony walks around the block and comes in the side door and orders a whiskey. Joe again says, "You have had too much already. I can't serve you."
Tony walks the block again and comes in the back door and orders a whiskey and before Joe has a chance to refuse him the drink, Tony says, "Hey Joe! How many places do you work at?"
While traveling north to downtown I noticed police were stopping cars going south for sobriety checks.
At the end of the night, after one too many drinks, I headed home going south and took the bus which the police waved right through.
The next morning my neighbor called me and asked, "What is that BUS doing in your driveway?"
A priest asked a group of fourth graders in a religious class, "How many of you would like to go to heaven?"
All raised their hands except Johnny. The priest asked Johnny why he didn't want to go to heaven.
Johnny said, "I do, but I thought you wanted to go right now."