A married couple are arguing back and forth about the husband's time on Facebook and Twitter.
The wife threatens, "If you continue to spend more time on Twitter and Facebook, then I will spend more time on Amazon and EBay!"
The husband goes offline immediately.
The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand.
"If the main parachute malfunctions," he asked, "how long do we have to deploy the reserve?"
Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, "The rest of your life."
Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you’ll put it in the casket."
After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.
Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn’t put the money in there."
"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."