There was a terrible automobile accident. A family of four was killed and their pet chimpanzee was the only survivor.
The investigators were trying to figure out what happened when one of them had an idea. "I understand chimps are very intelligent. Some of them can use sign language. Let's try it. What was the mother doing?" he asked.
The chimp put up one hand for a mirror and with the other pretended to put on lipstick. "She was putting on lipstick!" he exclaimed.
Pleased that they were communicating, he continued the questioning. "What were the kids doing?" The chimp put up his fists and punched the air. "They were fighting!" The chimp nodded.
"What was the father doing?" The chimp tipped back his head and raised his hand as if drinking from a bottle. "Drinking! The father was drinking!"
"And what were you doing?" he asked the chimp. With intense concentration the chimp peered straight ahead and grabbed the imaginary steering wheel.
A man went to a pet shop looking to buy a parrot. The shop had several parrots but one was priced much lower than the others. When the man asked why one was so much cheaper than the others, the pet shop owner assured the man that he did not want the cheaper one because it had a very foul mouth.
"I've tried everything, but I can't get him to stop cussing", he explained.
Eager to save some money, the man bought the parrot, sure he could teach the bird not to cuss. He too tried everything to stop the parrot's foul mouth.
Finally, in frustration, he put the bird in the freezer to cool off. After a few minutes, he opened the freezer to find the parrot with a totally changed attitude.
"Please, I'll NEVER cuss again! Please let me out! By the way, what did the chicken do?"
A guy walks into a bar and asks, "Who owns that Doberman tied up outside?"
A man replies, "That's my dog".
"Well," says the first man, "I think my Chihuahua killed him."
"Your CHIHUAHUA killed my Doberman?"
"How'd he do that?" asks the man at the bar.
"I'm not sure. I think he got lodged in his throat".