Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table, watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."

"I'm on my way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In the bedroom, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed,", and he did.

Dear Technical Support,

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Fishingweekend 10.3 and Bowlingbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

- Jonathan Powell

To: Mr. Powell

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES and ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once it is installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire system regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.

The best course of action will be to push apologize button, then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but is very high maintenance.

- Tech Support

A man is speeding down the freeway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over. "Do you realize you were doing 80 m.p.h. in a 60 m.p.h. zone, sir?" asks the policeman.

"That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver. The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down."

The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn't have your seatbelt on. You put it on as I was walking over to your car."

"That is not true, sir; I always wear my seatbelt," replies the driver.

"No, you don't, I'm always telling you to put your seatbelt on," says the driver's wife.

"Stupid woman," the driver explodes, "can't you, just for once, keep that big, fat trap of yours shut?"

The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?"

"Oh, no, officer," she says, "only when he's drunk."