Prior to turning on the TV to watch a recorded soccer match, I said to my wife, “Don’t tell me the score!”

She replied, “ Don't worry, there wasn’t any.”

I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant last night and it suddenly went dark. The waiter came over and said: "You all need to start clapping!"

"What a weirdo," I thought.

Anyway we all started to clap and the lights came on!

I said: "How did that happen?"

He replied: "Old Chinese proverb, many hands make light work."

Police are searching for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lighted match...

They want to catch him before he strikes again!

A little boy sat fascinated, watching as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"