A homeowner in the former USSR puts a call in to the plumber to request an appointment to get his toilet fixed. The plumber says hold while he looks it up in his appointment book.
Plumber: Okay, I can be by you on a Wednesday, in 3 years, 7 months, and five days from now.
Customer: Will that be morning or evening?
Plumber: Why do you ask?
Customer: Because the electrician is coming in the morning.
Tom & Jane just got married and moved into an apartment in New York City filling it with all of the precious items they received as wedding gifts. One day, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line written on the envelope: "Guess who sent them."
Jacob and Mindy assumed that it was a belated wedding present and while they enjoyed the show immensely, they spent the whole evening trying to figure out who the tickets were from.
On their return home from the show, Jacob and Mindy were met with a disastrous sight: their apartment had been stripped of every one of their wedding presents, every article of value in the apartment. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written a note on an envelope: "Now you know!"
A man dies and goes to heaven. One of God’s angels meets the man and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, “I never ate a piece of non-kosher food in my 90 years. Nothing.”
"That's wonderful," says the angel, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended the services all my life and always gave as much charity as I could."
"Terrific!" says the angel, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Oy. How about this, I started a soup kitchen in my city and volunteered at the senior’s home."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries. "The way you guys grade, there’s no way my Selma got in here.”
“Selma who?” asks the angel.
“My wife, Selma Rothenstein. You know, Selma and I were married for 60 years and I never raised my voice at her, not even once."
“Oh, thaaat Selma,” the angel nods. “You put up with her for 60 years?! Come right in!”
A young woman, who isn't too bright, goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
She counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying, "Umm... 23".
The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"
This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And eh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The girl bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Barbara".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, miss, we can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Oh that!" replies the girl, "I was just running through, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"