Me: "Can I have a pizza with liver and onions?"

Pizza Place: "We don't do liver."

Me To Wife: "I thought you said they do liver?"

Wife: "I was told they do deliver."

Me: "Not according to this guy."

A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.

I told my nephew in Florida I couldn't believe he was going back to school. I asked what his mother would do all day now that he was in school.

"Cartwheels," he answered.

Mabel never went to church. She always promised to go but never did. The pastor was astounded when she suddenly showed up for Sunday service. Thereafter she was there for every Sunday service.

Three months later, after a Sunday service, the pastor asked her, “What happened to you? You always dodged church and now it looks like you can't get enough of it?"

She replied, “It's this new car of mine pastor... they told me the warranty will lapse if I miss even one service!”

A woman turned to her boyfriend after yet another long game in a cold stadium and asked, "Why on earth do you like professional sports so much?"

"Look at it this way," he said. "Where else can we boo millionaires to their faces?"