I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe!

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals.

One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"

Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids - it's three bucks a pound!'"

Two cab drivers met.

"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."