It is a scientific fact...

That your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dave lost his wife's audiobook...

And now he'll never hear the end of it.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe!

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.