animal jokes

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. 

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. 

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. 

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position
1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oops! 

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. 

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor. 

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. 

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. 

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.) 

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman. 

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon. 

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done. 

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). 

18. Take two aspirins and lie down. 

19. Forget aspirin, drink glass of wine and lie down. 

Two robins were sitting on a fence post in front of a freshly plowed field. One robin said to the other "I'm hungry! Are you?" "Yes," said the other robin. "Why don't we go in this field and get some worms to eat." They went in the field and started eating. They ate until they were so full they could not even move. The first robin said "I can't move, lets just stay hear and bask in the sun." "Ok," said the other robin. In a few minutes both robins fell asleep. Later that day the farm cat came up and ate both robins. When finished he remarked "I love Basken Robins."

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”

A frog goes into a bank and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack, so he says "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please."

The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unconvinced, Ms. Whack explains she will need some identity and also some security against his loan. The frog produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant and hands it to her. 

The confused teller says she will have to consult with her manager. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger at the counter who wants to borrow $30,000," she tells her boss. "And what do you think this elephant is about?"

The manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."