misc jokes

1. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospital dying of
nothing.

3. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an
argument going.

4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they use to.

5. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a
woman is their eyes, and woman say the first thing they notice about men is
they're a bunch of liars.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

8. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you $200 and a
substantial tax cut saves you 35 cents?

9. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

12. You read about all these terrorists---most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15
years. Now compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video
and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.

Mary said to her neighbor, “Don’t tell me you believe your husband’s story that he spent the day fishing. Why, he didn’t come home with a single fish.”
That’s why I believe him,” the neighbor said.

A very exited mother asked her daughter, "Well, what happened when you showed the girls in the office your new engagement ring? Did they all admire it?"

Her daughter replied, "Better than that, four of them recognized it!"

A humble little man in a restaurant shyly touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. “Excuse me,” he said, “but do you happen to be Mr. Williams of Main?”
“No, I’m not!” the man answered with annoyance.
“Oh…er…well,” stutter the little man, “you see, I am, and that’s his overcoat you’re putting on.”